The Vancouver Canucks are officially at that point in the season where you discuss their playoff chances with air quotes.

“Yes, the Canucks ‘still have a chance’ to make the post-season, this is a factually accurate statement you have just made.”

It’s essentially the way I talk about big purchases I make in my life. “Yes, I can ‘afford’ this. Yes, I very much ‘need’ this. No, I am not ‘trying to fill a void in my life with superficial purchases that do nothing but delay the eventual sadness’.”

Realistically, this season was over weeks ago. Pack it up, throw it in the dumpster, and move on with your life. But sports are a magical world in which Tobias Funke always reminds you, it might work for us. Maybe the Canucks have an 8-0 run up their sleeves that will propel them into the playoffs. Maybe the Oilers will fold their franchise after it’s discovered they’ve gone broke investing all their money in Pogs after being fooled into thinking they’re making a comeback.

Well, hopefully the 5-0 beating the Seattle Kraken delivered to the Canucks on Wednesday night cleared things up for you.

Even with a depleted roster, this loss felt especially deflating. For a team that has been skating on fumes for a while now, it just felt like everything gave out in this one. The end result was like a greatest hits of the worst of the Canucks offensive strategies, so essentially it was a Creed playlist in which all you heard was “With Arms Wide Open” cranked a little too loud, on repeat, until the end of time. You want point shots into traffic all god damn game? Don’t worry, I have all the donuts in the world for you!

Even the fallback strategy of “I wonder if Quinn Hughes can do something cool” felt unethical to watch, as at times it looked like he was exhausted trying to summon the energy to play hero ball. You almost wanted to pull Quinn Hughes out of the game, put a blanket around his shoulders, call him your little warrior, and tell him he tried his best.

Again, you can forgive the Canucks for faltering down the stretch with the injuries they’ve had, but in a game in which the faintest of playoff hopes needed a sign of life, the Canucks heartbeat flatlined. Which, if we’re being honest with each other, is probably for the best. It’s hard to imagine any scenario in which this Canucks team was going to limp into the playoffs and create much of anything out of it, so maybe the best thing is to look ahead to next season. Maybe you shut down Quinn Hughes for the season. Maybe you pile some minutes on your younger guys to see what they have in them. Maybe you finally let me live my dream and put Tyler Myers as the net front presence on the power play.

Next season is filled with endless questions, of course. But that’s a discussion for another time. Another place.

For now, all we can do is run out the clock on this season. To put an end to a journey that at times has been one of the most tedious years in team history, watching as the JT Miller and Elias Pettersson divorce proceedings overshadowed the majority of the season. A season made all the more worse by the fact that last year was so thrilling and engaging in comparison.

So let’s trudge through this game, and finish the rest of them off, because damn it, that’s just what we do around here. No matter how bad it gets, we still manage to stick around. That’s either god damn heroic, or incredibly toxic, I’m not sure which.

Whatever, crank that Creed and let’s do this.

Best well I just heard the news today

Jamie Oleksiak to the box for Holding Conor Garland

Canucks 1st Power Play#SEAKraken: 0#Canucks: 0

— Joseph (@HockeyJoseph10) April 3, 2025

The Canucks started the game off by drawing a penalty after Conor Garland does what he does best, which is piss off a big dude into taking a penalty because he’s mad he couldn’t take the puck from Corolla:

Garland blocking the shot, and the subsequent fending off of Jamie Oleksiak, further enraged the Toronto native into dragging Conor to the ice, and then accidentally on purpose falling on top of him. Jamie then grinned at the camera like a cutaway from The Office, and thus ended the last positive moment of this game from the Vancouver side of things.

The Canucks power play strategy, which eerily mirrors their 5-on-5 strategy, consisted of working the puck to the point, layering the mother effing GOTI with bodies, and praying that somehow a puck would find its way into the net. Which, for a team that has essentially attempted to score 75% of its goals in a greasy manner, they sure seem real bad at cleaning up the garbage in the crease.

The end result? The Kraken got the only major chance on the early power play when Chandler Stephenson stole a pass from Quinn Hughes, leading to a 2-on-1 that Matty Beniers heeled a shot wide:

You know how you can tell Quinn is exhausted? He’s making passes like that. Sure, he can make mistakes, but we’re seeing a volume in those mistakes that we don’t normally see from him. A combination of roster talent and ice time demands have led to Quinn Hughes looking like he’s having an existential crisis. I mean, he always looks like that, but this time, it looks slightly worse.

Fun fact: Quinn Hughes played 27:45 of hockey on this night. Something tells me it’s probably time to start winding that down as we go along here. Even if Quinn demands that ice time, even if he’s going full Captain America and demanding you let him lead the team onto the ice because he thinks the thumb snap can be reversed and somehow Nikita Zadorov, Ian Cole and JT Miller are going to step out of a portal to salvage this season, you tell him no. Feed him tranqs in his water bottle if need be. Give him the ol’ “Suns getting real low, big guy” speech. Do whatever it takes.

Best it seems my life is goin’ to change

Another PP coming up, go Canucks go #Canucks

— Don (@EDDIE_TRECE) April 3, 2025

The Canucks got the next power play as well, but the best they can offer you is a point shot into traffic:

Yes, their best chance came with the goalie pulled for the extra attacker before the penalty was even called.

Yes, Brock Boeser shooting into traffic while Pius Suter and Drew O’Connor flailed their sticks at the rebound was maybe the most dangerous chance of the first period for Vancouver.

No, I don’t know why this is our life.

Best I closed my eyes, begin to pray

Quinn Hughes has played 5 of the first 7 minutes of this game #Canucks

— Hughes is the GOAT 🇨🇦 (@Hughes4Norris) April 3, 2025

In a game that offered up very little in the way of anything resembling human enjoyment, I will say that Jani Nyman’s plan to stop a Quinn Hughes rush feels poorly thought out:

Yes, somehow Jani came to the conclusion that “if I stop moving, that will help me in stripping Quinn Hughes of the puck.”

I don’t know if it was based on T-Rex Jurassic Park logic, like he felt Quinn wouldn’t see him if he wasn’t moving, so he could jump out and go “Ah ha!” and steal the puck, but yeah, no, that didn’t work. Quinn just skated right around him and set up a Jake DeBrusk shot that, legally, I have to declare a scoring chance, even if I am heavily sighing while declaring it as such.

Best then tears of joy stream down my face

That's a poor arse call on Blueger #Canucks

— JohnnyCanuckDownUnder 🇦🇺 (@NuckDownUnder) April 3, 2025

I could show you Teddy Blueger getting an iffy penalty for slightly touching Joey Daccord’s leg, or I could show you Tyler Myers socking a few dingers:

Please note that Tyler Myers did his best to take out Seattle’s top scorer, as he properly assessed him as the biggest threat. Alas Jared is a tough son of a bitch and he played through the pain and ended the night with three assists.

Still, let it be known that the Chaos Giraffe understood the danger.

The joy of two terrible teams playing each other is that both their power plays are akin to finding a free couch on Craigslist. Sure, technically it should be a good deal, but turn on one black light and that’s when the ~~questionable stains~~ shorthanded rushes start happening. In this case it was Garland once again working his defensive magic, setting Drew O’Connor in the slot for what was realistically probably the highest danger chance of the game for the Canucks:

Hey, look, at least it wasn’t a point shot. Hold onto this clip. Clutch it against your chest and cherish it like you should.

Best with arms wide open under the sunlight

This does not feel like a great start to our plan to end the season on an 8-0 run 😒#Canucks

— Dragon Was Slayed (@522IntoOvertime) April 3, 2025

If I asked you to make sure the Canucks playoff chances were brutally shot in the back of the head in this game, in a gangland killing so blatant that it sent a message to the rest of the league that yes, Vancouver’s post-season dreams are dead, I imagine it would play out very much how Jake DeBrusk handled himself on this play:

Yep, that’s Jake. Just straight-up passing the puck directly to Michael Eyssimont. Jake out for a skate and is like, “Sure, that feels like a passing lane, why not?” and just tosses the puck to Jesus’s general direction and lets him take the wheel. Except in this case, Michael Eyssimont is playing the role of Jesus, and he takes the wheel five-hole right through Thatcher Demko’s legs.

I don’t even know how to break this one down further than that. Like, the end takeaway is, “Jake, why would you do that?” That’s where we find ourselves.

Remember in pre-season when he got a really nice assist and he did a fun dance to celebrate it? Those were the days, man.

Best welcome to this place, I’ll show you everything

New period, new vibes, let’s go #Canucks

— MDWhite (@White3D64197) April 3, 2025

Quinn Hughes often resorts to hero ball once he senses his team’s entire identity has resorted to stacking the middle of the ice and kind of hanging out until someone shoots a puck near them, and Wednesday night was no different. The problem with having a lack of talent on the ice due to injuries is that, yeah, a lot of the Hughes hero ball ends with shots from long distance. There is no give and go, no fancy cuts, no high-end shooting. It’s just a lot of Quinn Hughes busting his ass off to try and fire in a low percentage shot from the point into traffic. Which hey, Quinn makes that an effective play. At the very least, it’s the best offensive scheme this team ran on the night.

But it feels like teams are understanding that, so they utilize a quarterback spy system at times against Hughes, where they play a patient game where they do their best to keep Quinn to the outside and play him very passively. And Seattle, to their credit, did this very well. They basically boxed out their crease, and kept the Canucks to the outside, Quinn included. Their ability to counter attack the Canucks with speed, along with this defensive shell, is what won them the game. Ironically, it was a style that I feel like Rick Tocchet dreams about at night.

So it was few and far between for plays where Quinn could cut through the middle of the ice, and on the occasions that he could pull it off, he was throwing thoughts and prayers shots on net:

Clearly, it’s impressive that Quinn can bust out this move, but as a team, you can’t rely on “Sure hope the Cap can slice through three guys and feather in a fadeaway backhander top shelf” as a goal strategy. If you find yourself using EA Sports hockey strategies, it’s a good sign you’re in trouble.

Best with arms wide open

Thank you Demko! #Canucks

— David 〽️ays (@CanucksWontWin) April 3, 2025

Jared McCann was the best player from either team, but at least Demko robbed him of getting four points on the night. With Seattle on the power play, somehow they created a breakaway, which I don’t know, feels like a bad thing?

The Canucks penalty killing has been one of their strengths since the JT Miller trade, so we don’t need to over analyze this too much, the Canucks just got caught pushing up a little too strong on this play.

Best well, I don’t know if I’m ready

This is not very #Canucks hockey 😖

— Mak (@UrSoSexyAha) April 3, 2025

Counter point: this was very much Canucks hockey.

You can tell it’s Canucks hockey because of the high amount of low to high passes that ended with a shot into traffic, while Canucks forwards flailed at rebounds:

This may have been one of the least dynamic games I have watched this season. Not a single ounce of creativity in this game aside from Quinn Hughes and, on occasion, Dakota Joshua. Just straight up working in a coal mine, here to do a dirty job mentality on display all night long. Grind out that puck, get it to the point, then stack the GOTI.

It is god awful hockey to watch.

Best to be the man I have to be

como que isso tá acontecendo? Como a gente tá perdendo pros kraken? #canucks

— gigiu (@biblebibmoreira) April 3, 2025

Seattle got their second goal of the night when Vince Dunn starts countered the Canucks forecheck with a spinning outlet pass to Jared McCann that ended with Chandler Stephenson scoring from an angle that brings to mind that Leo DiCaprio meme where he’s squinting at you:

It’s honestly a fantastic play from Dunn, as he draws in two Canucks forwards before he makes the outlet pass, which essentially traps the three Vancouver forwards deep in Seattle’s zone. This leaves Jared McCann, Andre Burakovsky and Chandler Stephenson with a 3-on-2, which ends with Demko worrying about McCann’s potential for the back door tap-in more so than any potential shot glove side, which Chandler graciously takes him up on.

And Demko was right to worry, as Derek Forbort blows his coverage on McCann, so there was indeed a threat for the back door pass. But Demko also offered up so much net to Stephenson that it brings to mind Bugs Bunny wearing a nice ballroom gown and blonde wig, where it becomes clear that an open invitation has been extended.

Best I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side

This team is done. We’re heading into an inevitable rebuild #canucks

— Vlado (@vladstupinsky) April 3, 2025

Hey, you love point shots, right? Well here’s another one, this time courtesy of the Canucks second period power play. This time, it’s Quinn rifling a puck into traffic, while Jake and Brock do their best to get a piece of it:

Which hey, that play has worked in the past. It’s just on a night when you lose 5-0, all those hopeless point shots into traffic just sort of blur into one giant memory of “ok I guess we’re doing this again”.

Best we stand in awe; we’ve created life

Demko gives up 3 goals on 14 shots. #Canucks

— Nikster (@NiksterPen) April 3, 2025

Remember Vince Dunn outlet passes? Remember Jared McCann doing smart things with the puck? Remember bad-angled shots going in glove side? Welcome to the remix edition of the Kraken’s third goal:

Once again, Vince Dunn bombs an outlet pass, this time by ringing it around the boards right to Jared McCann. The former Canuck then skates hard to the net, taking Fil Hronek with him, and as a parting gift, stick lifts Fil into the shadow realm. This leaves Shane Wright with time and space, allowing him to go glove side on Demko, albeit a less egregious angle than the second goal.

Kudos to Jared on this one. That’s just smart hockey right there. Taking your check with you and then flicking his stick up so he can’t get it in the shooting lane? That’s a chef’s kiss moment right there. That’s the kind of play that got Conor Garland a banner up at Rogers Arena. Just fantastic stuff from the former first-rounder.

Best if I had just one wish, only one demand

You deserve a prize if you’re still watching the #Canucks game down 3-0 with single digital chances of making the playoffs at this point.

— Grady Sas (@GradySas) April 3, 2025

But if you didn’t keep watching you might have missed the other half of the Canucks elite, top level GOTI offensive system: the back door play that never actually scores.

This time, it was Elias Pettersson trying to sneak in far post like a young Ed Jovanovski to try and convert a slick pass from Dakota Joshua:

Like, don’t get me wrong; I would take this all day every day over point shots into traffic. It’s just the Canucks conversion rate on these feels abysmal. Which, to be fair, this is one of the better attempts. A lot of the time, they just blindly fire the puck at 100mph in the general area of the net. This one at least felt well-planned and well-executed. It’s just the end result is the same: no goal.

I will say that if there was any silver lining from this game, it was the play of Dakota Joshua. His road from recovery has been a long one this season, but this game was the first one in a while where he had that offensive swagger to his game from last year. He was doing his dekes, essentially, and looked better than he has all year. Played with a confidence we haven’t seen in a while.

Best I hope he’s not like me, I hope he understands

Imagine wasting your money on tonight’s game #canucks

— bavel_puree (@rickcochrane_re) April 3, 2025

Linus Karlsson has been mildly impressive in his latest call-up to the parent club, to the point where I actually find myself kind of intrigued to see how he will fare in the games. That offensive touch I have been told about has finally been on display at times, and once again, he had a shift where he had some juice in his skates:

Now, did this effort end with another god damn point shot, this time from Marcus Pettersson? Yes, of course, it did.

But his puck protection and manual deke he busted out mid-shift gets a giant thumbs-up from me. All season we’ve heard Rick Tocchet talking about wanting his players to hold onto the puck and make plays with it, and this is a great example of what the team needs more of.

Does part of me worry that Linus would get sent to Siberia if he had been stripped of the puck on that deke? Of course I do. The Rick Tocchet system is both unforgiving and complicated.

But I still enjoy watching players make plays that don’t involve dumping the puck in and going for a change.

Best that he can take this life and hold it by the hand

Hronek just ran over Demko 🤦‍♂️ #Canucks

— Petey (@Canucks_Fan40) April 3, 2025

You know how I know Quinn Hughes is tired? Eyssimont is out here dangling past Quinn Hughes, ending with Hronek just bodying Demko in his own crease because why not?:

Demko made the nice scorpion save to prevent a goal but yeah. The Canucks are out of gas my friends.

Best and he can greet the world with arms wide open

#canucks Quinn Hughes in a rare show of emotion just did the JT Miller stick break and door slam. He is pissed!!

Management better fix this team and fast.

— The Shadows 🇵🇸🇨🇦 (@theshadowsua) April 3, 2025

I think Hughes is probably frustrated at a lot of things, mostly how this season has gone. But also because he’s clearly exhausted, and despite skating all over the ice trying to find a shooting lane, he ends up turning the puck over:

Hero ball can be so much fun to watch, but when it falters, it can look so messy. Quinn legit tries to find a shooting lane at least three times on that play, but Seattle just sets up shop and keeps him to the outside, and the end result is it almost turns into a breakaway against the Canucks.

Sometimes Quinn is being asked to do too much, and on this night, it showed.

Best I’ll show you everything, oh yeah

The good news is the #Canucks just have to play the Vegas Golden Knights, Dallas Stars, and Colorado Avalanche in the next week(ish).

— Noah Strang (@noahstrang_) April 3, 2025

Jared McCann got his third point of the night on an assist on a Burakovsky goal:

See, this is more of that back door play the Canucks try where they just toss it near the crease and hope some miracle occurs. Forbort is pinching deep and just throws it into blue paint, and Seattle counterattacks it to get their fourth goal of the night.

To Aatu Räty’s credit, he covers pretty damn well for Forbort, and he hustles his ass to get back defensively even after pinching up a little too high himself. But Seattle also plays the rush really well and finds a way to get the puck to a very open Burakovsky, who scores an easy one.

And while we’re handing out credit, kudos to Forbort for skating his ass back from the other end of the rink to try and help out defensively as well. He actually ends up getting back with time to try and throw a hit on McCann, but Jared makes a brilliant pass to get out of it.

All I’m saying is if that was JT Miller, his controller would have disconnected at centre ice. I have an appreciation for a guy who skates back hard the entire way, even if it seems like there’s no chance to help out.

Best with arms wide open

#Canucks : Where moments become memories

And those memories become trauma

— Blogtrot (@BlogTrot) April 3, 2025

I wouldn’t call it a silver lining because that indicates something of value, which this game offered none of. But I will once again say that Dakota Joshua was one of the few bright spots on a miserable night. Down 4-0, he was still out there going to the right spots on the ice and almost tapped in a back door pass from Quinn Hughes:

Again, that play seems to never work for Vancouver, but damn it, on paper, that’s a good play from Dakota.

Best wide open

For everything Holy…. Allow Hughes to book a tee time starting tomororow. #Canucks

— Bobby C (@combat_stance) April 3, 2025

The Canucks pulled their goalie with under five minutes left, but don’t worry, they didn’t even get a chance to try a point shot into traffic.

Instead, they failed to recover their dump in, and Seattle counter-attacked one last time to get their fifth of the night:

And that was the ball game.

Folks, we are officially in the “let’s hurry up and end this damn season” mode. No more pining for playoffs. No more number crunching. We’re firmly in the “You know what, losing is probably for the best” part of the season.

With arms wide open, of course.

See you Saturday bloody morning.

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